Crisis Of Faith

Being the wife of a minister has its challenges. Being the wife of Carmen the minister is no more challenging, I suppose. Being the atheist wife of Carmen the minister holds unique opportunities for reflection and doubt.

I'm not an atheist in the sense of believing that there is nothing. I merely refuse to be categorized among those who believe that "everything happens for a reason," or worse, that there is some human-like personality that controls- or indeed even cares about- what goes on in my life.

I believe that the universe is made up of matter and energy, all composed of exactly the same stuff that my wise and wonderful brain is made of. I believe that the entire universe is at least as wise and wonderful as my brain, but like way bigger, with a lot more stuff going on. My body is a microcosm of the way the universe works: each of my cells has nutritional needs, food, water and oxygen; My heart pumps without any intelligence pushing the buttons; red blood cells collect and deliver nourishment; white blood cells encounter foriegn contaminants and render them harmless. Over four billion years this system evolved because it could. It perpetuates itself because it can. Life is fire that feeds and grows and seeks the means to feed and grow. The intellect that is successful at helping the fire keep burning will perpetuate itself and grow more successful. No gods are needed for this process.

On the other hand, we are an inseparable cog in the machinery of the entire universe. As a tree stretches out its roots seeking water and nutrients, so the universe has needs and seeks their fulfillment. We express our yearnings, and the machine turns and turns, grinding and mixing and killing and birthing, and the universe feels a splash of joy when the blood cell arrives with the goods, the root finds a source of water, the orange kitten finds the porch of the cat juggler, the unwitting minister-to-be finds the guy who can awaken in her the yearning, and do battle with her through all of the challenges on the way to that fulfillment.

I believe this. I do. So why does it bother me that I haven't found a job yet in Albuquerque? Did I forget the Prime Directive? The Gospel according to Tom Robbins: Keep your eye on the ball, even when you can't see the ball.